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Don’t Come to NJ Beaches This Summer if You Drive Like a Piece of Shit

Best Beaches in New Jersey - Beach Vacations for Couples, Singles and  Families | Travel + Leisure

The best thing about New Jersey is the Jersey Shore summer. Warm weather, frosty coronas, and fucking shoobies. I hate tourists that travel to beach towns in the summer. They look completely lost, they ride their bikes in the middle of the street, go out to dinner with a lot of people and act like idiots, and most of them are out of staters which means they don’t know how to fucking drive. Well, I’m here to teach you.

Most parts of the NJ Parkway are at least 3 lanes wide. If you are driving in the left lane you are required to go at least 85 mph. I’m saying at least because if you don’t you’ll have 5 cars riding your ass to pass you because you’re slowing everyone down. If you like to drive safely, then you belong in the middle lane. Stay there and don’t move. The middle lane is reserved for the Pennsylvania residents who drive like a 100-year-old Asian woman. The right lane is reserved for 18 wheelers and left-lane drivers who need to go all way over to pass because the Honda Odyssey minivan being driven by Richard is slowing everyone down because his wife Karen is in the passenger seat and is telling him to keep it under 70.

Speed limits are simply suggestions. If you’re on a highway you go fast. If you’re in a neighborhood, you still go fast. The people driving behind you have places to be. Stop driving 25 mph in your Ford Focus. Nobody likes that and you’re just an asshole. Also, don’t be that asshole that’s all the way in the left lane causing traffic and won’t get over because the person behind him is riding their ass. 

People on bikes have to watch out for themselves. You don’t need a driver’s license to operate a bike. I was riding a bike at 6 years old it’s not that hard. Bike riders belong on the sidewalk. When they are in the street then pass them. Don’t sit behind them and go 5 mph because that’s not normal, you should honestly be tied to a pole and beaten with a stick if you do this. 

If you’re at a stoplight and you pull up next to a car playing good music you don’t need to tell them that. I or the person in that car doesn’t want that interaction in their life. I know I have good music playing, I don’t need you to tell me that. That being said if you’re a short blonde chick with an absolute dump truck then please tell me I have good music, I encourage that. 

Please don’t drive like an asshole, summer is the only enjoyable thing in NJ and I don’t like to get annoyed during  that time because of some incompetant out of state drivers.

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